


I Know What I Did and What Happens Next (Note: Abandoned)

by Gnosya108



Category: Love Live! School Idol Project, Love Live! Sunshine!!
Genre: Angst, F/F, Mistakes, Panic, Wings
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-14
Updated: 2018-09-21
Packaged: 2019-07-12 01:20:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 10,699
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15984542
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gnosya108/pseuds/Gnosya108
Summary: Yoshiko has wings. She isn't a fallen angel, she's a scared girl who doesn't know what would happen if her secret were found out. Her and her mother moving into a new apartment with her mother's girlfriend and her daughter Riko makes things more complicated.A series of sequential short stories about fear, consequences, and unfairness.I Know What I Did [Watanabe Yo/Tsushima Yoshiko]After Yo finds out one of Yoshiko's secrets, Yoshiko makes a huge mistake and then runs away into the night.How People See You [Takami Chika/Tsushima Yoshiko]Yoshiko has to face the consequences of her actions. Meanwhile her wings grow tingly and numb, maybe a sign of an illness, as a girl named Chika forces her way into Yoshiko's life and tries to bring in some positivity.Abandoned because I don't like how I handled certain parts of it. I might return to it when I think I can do the idea justice.





	1. I Know What I Did

**Author's Note:**

> I swear I try to make upbeat things, I just always fail.
> 
> But at least I try to give my stories happy endings.
> 
> ...
> 
> (the first part doesn't have the happy ending yet tho...)

“Do you trust them, sonny?.”  
“They tooks me hand and me hair, and gave me this scar. But any trust I’s had in ‘em was lost long ago.”  
“And why’s that?”  
“Because they’s did the same to my nurse, Mr. Koskov, my uncle, and a buncha others I knows. Was only a matter uh time before they’s done’d it t’ me.”

\---”The Monsters On Tz----- Prospekt.” Olga Andreevna Zhukov. Radio Alby, Dec. 2003. From Effingham Radio Archives. Transcribed by Dr. Timothy Lawrence, PhD.

 

OZ(Olga Zhukov): “I think there is no sanctuary where we escape human cruelty. We have to live with it, even inside ourselves.”

\---Interview with Olga Andreevna Zhukov, Radio Alby, Dec. 2003. From Effingham Radio Archives. Transcribed by Dr. Timothy Lawrence, PhD.

 

I Know What I Did:

arcade:

There is, in Numazu, an arcade on the second floor of a building that had once been a bank. The architecture had faded and chipped away, so that the regal look it had once worn had been dethroned. It was now a commoner, and all the better for it.

The arcade is accessed by a stairwell inside the lobby of the former bank. A sign hangs above the entrance to the stairwell, because there are several stairwells, each leading to a different store or the like, or to an empty room or series of rooms that have yet to be bought and refurbished.  
The lobby wasn’t crowded, but it always had some people, even late at night. The arcade itself is spread across six rooms of what had once been the accounting department. It was clear that the building was not made to be a mall. So much of it couldn’t be navigated easily. Several maps and signs were posted to show the correct direction of travel. Unsurprisingly, they weren’t very helpful.  
In what was once a large closet, the doors now removed, filled with files, a DJ sat at his laptop, absentmindedly clicking buttons and trying to get his machine to work. His hardware, he didn’t yet know, had burnt out from overuse. It rendered noises that were pleasant enough, but they weren’t the noises he wanted.

The machines beeped and clicked and growled while the player wielded a gun, trying to defeat the werewolves before the werewolf got to them. There were a few pinball machines in one corner, and a crane game. The lights in the room were out, so the machines provided the majority of the light. It might have been mistaken for a club, with flashing blues and greens and reds, with whirling lights, and the large number of teenagers and young adults, except for the conspicuous lack of a dance floor.

Unless you considered the rhythm dancing game a dance floor.

Riko frowned, not from disapproval or disappointment, but because she was hoping it would be easier for her to find her here. She probably came here. It was one of the few places where she felt relaxed, she said.

The music started up, when the DJ brought out the backup laptop --- half-as-good, but people couldn’t tell the difference anyways --- and a song that sounded like a sad teenager pounding on a wall in a first-coffee fueled haze and youthful entitlement.

“Hey. There you are.” Yoshiko didn’t move, didn’t acknowledge that those words had been spoken to her. “Come on, your mother’s worried about you.” Yoshiko was absorbed in the game, that Riko could tell, so she put a hand on Yoshiko’s shoulder, only to be met with a tear-stained face, and eyes like an angry bear’s. “Yocchan…”

“What is it?”

“I… your mother’s worried about you, and Yo’s---” Riko stopped when she saw Yoshiko’s reaction. The pained twitch, like a wounded animal in an urban area, lost in an unfamiliar habitat. She wasn’t a bear, she was a coyote, a wounded coyote in an unfamiliar city.

“I’m sorry,” said Yoshiko. There was a pained scream as Yoshiko’s character on the arcade game’s screen died.

“What for?”

Yoshiko didn’t respond, and instead started leaving.

“Yocchan?”

“I’m going home now.” Riko followed after her. They left the arcade, into the dim lights of the hallway. At the end of the hallway was the stairwell. Posters were intermittent on both walls, advertising local bands or events, or the game tournaments at the arcade.

“Why’d you turn your phone off.”

“I smashed it.”

“Why?” Riko tried to read Yoshiko’s expression, but there wasn’t anything new. The same troubled look, the teary eyes, the tired, tired skin.

“I thought it’d be nice if I wasn’t found.”

“That’s so mean. I’d miss you. I almost have a sister now.” Riko wore a smile and got Yoshiko’s attention, hoping she’d do the same.

“Riri… we’re not sisters.” Yoshiko looked away from her and towards the door they were reaching. 

“We share a room. We live together with our mothers.”

“It’s not official. It’s not real.” Yoshiko said this casually. Riko got mad. They’d known each other for several months by now. They should be able to trust each other.

“Neither were you and Yo, before this went down. But you still managed to screw it all up.” Riko stopped walking and put a hand over her own mouth. “I’m so, so sorry about that. I wasn’t---”

“I know what I did.”

 

 

memory:  
Last night.

Yoshiko sat at home. Riko was asleep in their room, even though Yoshiko was supposed to get the room and Riko and Yo would get the living room, but Riko apparently forgot. 

Yoshiko buried her face in her hands. It prob’ly wasn’t intentional, either. It was prob’ly an accident. Riko wasn’t used to the constant balancing act you have to put on to keep a secret. The perpetual awareness of everything, an awareness that isn’t allowed to go away. If Yoshiko was normal, everything would be okay.

Everything would be fucking okay if Yoshiko didn’t…

“Can’t sleep either, huh?” asked a friendly voice. Yo jumped over the back of the couch, took a seat next to Yoshiko, and managed to land on one of Yoshiko’s legs. Yoshiko yelped and tugged so Yo’d let her leg out. “Sorry.”  
“I was supposed to get the room. I didn’t.”

“Huh?”

“That’s why I’m out here. I was supposed to get the room.” She curled her legs up to her chest. “I’m not safe unless there’s a door between me and everyone else.”

“Don’t worry, I’m not gonna hurtcha.” Yo put on her best grin and put one of her hands on one of Yoshiko’s. Yoshiko looked down at it, blushing. She wanted to pull it away, but more than that, wanted Yo’s hand to stay on hers.

“My leg,” said Yoshiko, to give a counterexample. Yo stared dumbly until the thought registered with her.

“Sorry about that…”

“It’s fine.” Yoshiko tried not to let her disappointment show when Yo pulled her hand away. She had not reason to be disappointed. Yo was simply an attractive friend her sister had. But, she was nice, and actually pretty friendly and extroverted in a not-pushy way. She seemed like a good person.

Not being a very socially experienced person, Yoshiko thought that, sometimes, Yo might have been flirting, or maybe she was just being nice. Maybe she’d at least entertain the thought of a date with Yoshiko. She didn’t seem to be in a relationship, though Yoshiko didn’t eavesdrop unless they happened to be in the same room.

Yo’d been over before, but never slept over. Tonight was, in a sense, the first time anyone besides Yoshiko’s friends had stayed over. Though that was when she lived alone with her mother. They’d moved in with Riko and her mother, but that was different itself from having Yo over. For one thing, they knew about Yoshiko’s secret. They had known for weeks. Yo didn’t know.

“I could wake up Riko.” That was tempting, but the thought came to Yoshiko again. Riko shouldn’t have to worry about it. She should be able to get a good night’s sleep. Everything would be fine if Yoshiko didn’t have a secret.

“It’s fine.” Yoshiko turned up the volume on the TV, but turned it down later because she felt guilty. She was too tired for any of this. On the screen, people wearing rubber suits that made them look like monsters battled in Tokyo. A moth was hit by a horribly rendered, probably rotoscoped radioactive beam.

“Hey, Yoshiko.” Yo had a look of scared hesitation, like she was doing something she wanted to do, but didn’t know if this was the right way to do it.

“What is it?”

“I think I want to get to know you better.”

“Why?” The reflex that lead her to saying that made her cringe. Yoshiko looked at Yo, who was frowning. On the television, two tiny twins were talking about a ritual.

“Because I think you’re cute,” said Yo.

“...I think you’re cute too.” Yoshiko didn’t say anything, turning to the television. The tiny twins were singing. Yo smiled and grabbed Yoshiko’s hand. “You should go back to bed. Riko might get jealous if she catches you sleeping in here. She’s the one who invited you over.”

“Sure. Uh, what’s your Line ID?”

 

Things go wrong. A person doesn’t plug in a Christmas tree light all the way, and a spark flies, and suddenly the tree’s on fire. It spreads, property is damaged, especially because wrapping paper is flammable. A small mistake, but it makes everything go wrong, because real life has no sense of scale.  
A small mistake.  
Like, for example, forgetting a phone.

Yoshiko pulled on the shirt. It had been specially made, though cheaply made. The researchers had paid for it, which they didn’t have to. It was nice of them, to do more than just pay Yoshiko and her mother money for the physicals and blood work she let them do.

The shirt was simple, and very normal, actually. There were no designs on the front of it. There were no awkward cut outs. There were no holes in it, or avant-garde patterns. There was nothing beyond plain black cloth. There was also no back to the shirt.

Yoshiko stretched the two wings she wore on her back. Small wings, too small to make her fly, but large enough to be noticeable most of the time. She’d never been swimming, never had gym class. Which, she gathered from watching Hanamaru and Ruby, she wouldn’t like anyways, but there’s value in sharing an experience with friends, even if that experience is the experience of not liking something.

She stretched out her arms and her back, when she heard the words.

“Hey! Sorry to bug you but Riko forgot her phone!”

Yoshiko turned around slowly to see Yo’s wide, surprised eyes. “Wings,” she said dumbly, so completely bewildered that she couldn’t say anything else. Yoshiko’d thought she’d left, but she hadn’t. Or, she hadn’t gone very far. Because now, she saw Yoshiko.

Now, she knew. Yoshiko had wings---

 

Yo was very strong, but Yoshiko had the element of surprise---

 

Yo had no idea what was happening, except that Yoshiko had her by her shoulders. Yoshiko was crying---

 

Yoshiko pushed You up against the wall. The back of her head hit the edge of a picture frame hanging on the wall---

 

“Fuck you! Fuck you! God fucking hell you couldn’t just leave me---” “Yoshiko?” “I swear to God. I’ll kill you! I’ll fucking kill you! Don’t you dare… dare ever tell anyone! I’ll kill you!”---

 

Yoshiko was crying---

 

Yo’s head banged against the wall multiple times. Yoshiko’s fingernails dug into her skin. Deep into her skin. It would hurt in the morning---

 

The back of Yo’s head felt wet. Maybe it was blood---

 

Yoshiko was crying. She fell to her knees, and her face ways buried in Yo’s stomach. She sniffled, and her tears made water stains in Yo’s shirt. Her hands held Yo’s shirt tightly, bunched up---

 

You ran a hand, an uncomfortable, uneasy hand, along Yoshiko’s hair. It was the sort of thing she expected herself to do---

 

Yoshiko left---

 

…---

 

Yo sat on the bed, everything more than she expected it to be. More than she could comprehend. It had all gone so fast---

 

Yo ran a hand along the back of her head. There was a little blood. A bandage would be enough---

 

“What happened?” “Yoshiko said she’d kill me.” “What?!”---

 

…---

 

Yoshiko had put on a hoodie to hide her wings. She held them tense against her back, to make it so they were as small as possible, as if that were the only thing preventing them from being seen and discovered. They cramped up---

 

 

train station:

“I don’t think Yo knows what to think.” Riko frowned, and leaned back against the bench, and put Yoshiko’s head on her shoulder. “I think she’ll forgive you. She really likes you, you know. I wasn’t supposed to say anything, but---”

“There’s no point. There never is any point to it.” 

“Why isn’t there a point to any of it?” asked Riko. Yoshiko looked at her, brows furrowed, mouth frowning, a grim, stony expression.

“Because only I will ever know the fear I feel. Because my fears are real. What do you think people’d do if they saw my wings?”

“I don’t know. They’d think they’re cool.”

“Would everyone? Or would some people think I’m a freak? Or a monster? Or plain weird? Would some people look at me like I’m not human? Imagine the looks they might give me… I… 

“I don’t wanna know… what that l-looks like. The reason I told you, was because I could trust you. But when Yo walked back into the room.” A flash of something like grief passed over Yoshiko’s face. Her throat choked itself weakly, and her eyes drowned themselves with tears. “I had nothing, I couldn’t keep her from finding out. I was so scared. Because, what happens if everyone knows? Maybe… maybe I’ll die. Somehow. Maybe someone will break them, because they’re feeling really mean, or because they think I’m dangerous.

“I kept telling you… I didn’t want Yo over overnight, I never brought Hanamaru or Ruby over overnight, because I wanted to pretend to be fair. I knew she’d find out eventually. And I don’t blame you, because you don’t know what the fear is like.

“You don’t know, and you can’t know. So you’re not careful. You don’t keep track of everything, you don’t think ahead, five to ten minutes ahead, because who knows if… I’ll… I’ll be discovered, and then everything happens. You don’t know.

“I should have locked the door. I should have been more careful myself. I know… that… that there are times when I’m not careful… I don’t even know if this is anyone’s fault… what is this, even?... What… What do I do? I don’t… kn-know.” Yoshiko wiped her tears and stood up to get on the train. “I… think… I have to go to bed.” Riko looked at her incredulously.

“Huh?”

“I have to sleep. I can’t deal with any of this.”

 

 

home:

Yo sat in the living room, clasping and unclasping her hands rhythmically, like a metronome. She had a feeling. The feeling was an unwanted embrace, a tepid chill that took over her nerves, and bunched them up. Not enough to weaken her, but enough to be felt. A coldness over her psyche, like snow over grass.

She blinked. Riko’s mother and Yoshiko’s mother were in the kitchen, making dinner because the only thing left to do was pretend everything was normal. They’d left her alone, which was just as well. Shock can do a lot to a person, and that person needs some time to recover.

The lock turned in the doorknob. Yo looked over at it hopefully, as the door opened, as Riko and Yoshiko came into sight. Yoshiko’s eyes went wide when she saw Yo, and she retreated slightly back into the hallway. They were at a standstill, unable to approach this without clumsiness.

Riko grabbed Yoshiko’s wrist to keep her from running, and Yoshiko’s mind was less befuddled as it was brought back out of its anxiety. Yoshiko raised a hand and waved awkwardly.

“Hi,” said Yo. Riko stepped into the living room, dragging Yoshiko with her. She closed the door and locked it. It was symbolic, because Yoshiko could unlock it quickly. It was a message that there wasn’t any escape from this. She gave an apologetic smile.

“I…” Yoshiko’s thoughts drifted as she avoided thinking too deeply about anything. Her shoulders slumped in resignation. She had to take a seat on the carpet, leaning against a table. She closed her eyes. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry and scared.”

“It’s okay,” said Yo. “I… don’t know how I’d react. Either.” Riko walked over into the kitchen, to give them some privacy. “Are you ok---”

“No.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah,” said Yoshiko, curling up in on herself. “I don’t know what to do. Do you?”

“No.”

“Yeah.” A haze of silence sprouted up, thick like fog, like seafoam, like tired flows over a person’s eyes. “I think… I… I don’t… What do I say?”

“Why did you run away?”

“Because now you know.”

“Know what?” asked Yo. With a mixture of resignation and unease, Yoshiko took off the hoodie, and spread her wings. Yo blinked absently. Yoshiko flapped them a few times. She refused to let herself look at Yo. “Oh.”

“I’ve had these since I was born. They’re… I don’t know, what people would say if they saw them.

“I think they’re cool.” Yo reached for one of them, but Yoshiko pulled away.

“D-don’t.” Yo nodded and backed off. “I panicked. I remembered all my fears of dying if my secret got out. Of people hurting me.” Yoshiko had more to say, but in the pause Yo interrupted her.

“Is that why you said you’d kill me?”

“I… I didn’t really mean it.”

“I know you didn’t. It still scared me.”

“I’m sorry.” Yo put a hand on Yoshiko’s, and put on a smile. It was visibly forced.

“Why are you so scared?”

“Because people are mean.”

“Not everyone is mean,” Yo said. Yoshiko paused.

“They can be. Anyone can be. And some are really mean.”

“Have they ever hurt you.”

“No. But they’ve hurt my friends, and that’s just as bad.”

“Is it?”

“It is.”

“Yoshiko, are you really afraid of me?” Yo sat in front of her, and pulled her hand away, to put both hands in her lap.

“I’m afraid of everything.” Yoshiko’s wings curled into her back. They hid themselves, partially. Desperately. “I hurt you, though. I’m still sorry about that. I don- don’t know, what to do. I can’t turn off the fear. If I do, my guard goes down, and then… then I’ll make a mistake and be found out. And what will people say to me?” Yo didn’t have an answer, so she simply sighed and looked at Yoshiko, frowning.

“Do you still like me,” asked Yoshiko. “My fear won’t leave me. I won’t be afraid around you, but you can’t let anyone know about my wings. Not a single person. Can you live with that? Live with…

“I’ve…” Yoshiko shook her head and started to laugh. “I’ve had to think about the future a lot, so I’ve thought about… and what if I’m dating a girl. She couldn’t invite anyone over. She’d have to deal with me. I’m always panicking and scared, and sometimes I can barely think. Could you… deal with that? With having no one over, with being isolated in the apartment? Because no one can know. I’m one of a kind, I was told. Not literally, there are a few others like me… So, what the fuck happens… when people know about me?

“People hunt rare animals. What if… they don’t do the same to me, because I’m a human, but they do something similar. People interested in the supernatural taking pictures of me like I’m a celebrity. Alway bringing attention to me, to my mom, to you, if you’re dating me… do you… I don’t even know what that’s like. But it’s so scary. Could you deal with that?”

“I don’t know,” answered Yo.

 

 

lobby:

“I’ll see you at school,” said Yo. “If you need space…”

“I don’t know what I need,” said Yoshiko. “But… I don’t want to ruin our friendship so…”

“I’ll say ‘hi.’” Yo gave a sad smile as she walked away, along the streets. It was dark out, except for the streetlights at intervals along the path. Yo looked back over her shoulder once, and Yoshiko thought of going after her, of saying something that might make things right, or at least better. But she couldn’t think of anything.

She walked inside, and up the stairs, and into the living room. Maybe on Monday, I can say something. Maybe on Monday I can ask her to come with me. There was a voice telling her that everything might not be okay, and that was the reason she should pretend it was. There was another voice telling her to be careful. She didn’t know what to listen to.

She went to bed without a word, and had no answers.

[to be continued]


	2. How People See You

“My point is, people who hurt, hurt people. Things would be a lot simpler if only the evil people were evil, but we all get hurt, so we’re all a little evil.”  
\---Interview with Olga Andreevna Zhukov, Radio Alby, Dec. 2003. From Effingham Radio Archives. Transcribed by Dr. Timothy Lawrence, PhD.

How People Look at You:

awake:

The light shined through the window, into the room. Yoshiko woke up, and put on her school uniform. Under the uniform, she wore another shirt to help keep the wings  
bound to her back. If she didn’t then… and so on, and so forth. It cramped her wings, and made it hard to focus in school. She’d learned how to tolerate it though.

“Today is going to be a big day, be prepared for whatever comes,” said the radio as Yoshiko made her way into the living room. The early morning message as the station went from late-night enka to morning programming. Riko’s mother had her radio dramas while she cooked.

“I wanna die…”

“Riko told me what happened,” Yoshiko’s mother said, at the breakfast table. She didn’t look pleased. Not the look on her face, which was usually as tired as Yoshiko’s looked in the morning, and was today. But rather the fact she wasn’t in the kitchen helping.

“Ah.”

“You’re lucky Yo is so understanding.”

“Yes.”

“But I understand what you’re going through. The best that I can.” Her mother yawned into her hand. “We should begin taking you to a therapist.” Yoshiko nodded slowly, doubting that it’d make any sort of difference in the end. Her mother rolled her eyes and went into the kitchen. “You have to help yourself. I can’t help you forever.”

“Morning Yocchan.” Riko took the other seat, looking much better than Yoshiko did. She’d already dressed, put on make-up, prob’ly done some homework too. It was vexing. Hard for Yoshiko to imagine they were related, even as step-siblings.

“Morn’”

“Yo has swim practice after school. She told me to tell you about it.” Riko spoke in a near-monotone. It was too awkward to figure out the sort of emotions appropriate for the situation.

“When?”

“Last night. We were texting. Neither of us could sleep.”

“I slept like a rock.” Yoshiko rested her head in her arms at the table. Nothing about her seemed very lively today. “I’ve been so tired.”

“You should keep talking to Yo. She forgave you.”

“You can’t understand.”

“Yoshiko. You’re starting to piss me off,” said her mother, who looked over at her from the kitchen. “What is wrong with someone trying to be nice to you? I can’t understand a damn thing. Fine. But what are you doing to make things okay?”

“I’m scared.” The feeling she felt might more accurately be described as defeated. Her fears had come to life. They’d come to nought, but they’d created new problems. Not everyone would find out, the rumor wouldn’t spread. But everything was ruined.

“You aren’t even trying.”

“What good would it do if I tried. It’d end up the same.”

“Have you ever tried, and have you ever found out?” asked Yoshiko’s mother. Riko’s mother put a plate of rice in the center of the table and went to get some soup. Riko glared at Yoshiko, who tried to make herself small.

“She’s right,” said Riko’s mother, looking over at Yoshiko’s mother, who was sipping from a cup of coffee and nodding. “You have to make an effort. You don’t have to do anything dangerous, but… making friends could help you. They don’t have to know.”

“They could find out, though.”

“About your wings, are you bringing them home?” asked Yoshiko’s mother. “Because you don’t have to bring them home, Yoshi. They can stay at school.”

“Being afraid isn’t doing you any good,” said her mother. “You’ve threatened a friend of yours. Make things okay.” She sat down for breakfast and bowed her head. “Let’s eat.”

Riko and Yoshiko left soon after breakfast, to catch up to the train. “You all didn’t have to gang up on me.”

“Yocchan. This isn’t healthy for you. You don’t have to take a big step but… talk to Yo. Actually talk to her, don’t talk at her. She probably has things she wants to say too.” The wind was present today, but calm. The air was too cold, making the railings on the stairs down to the subway cold. Yoshiko didn’t use them.

“Yocchan. What are you going to do?”

“I’m going to talk to Yo. She’s going to hate me. I’m going to go home and lay down, and pretend that nothing ever happened. Because it doesn’t matter.” Riko stopped, concerned, but was pushed onwards by a person behind her. Yoshiko had kept going, and not slowed down, and now she was ahead of Riko. She took a seat on a bench and Riko took the one beside her. The train wouldn’t be here for another ten minutes.

“I don’t understand. I want to. I care about you, even though you messed up. Your…” They were in public, Riko couldn’t say anything. “Condition doesn’t have to be your entire life. Talk to people. Use words. Nothing more than words.”

“Hanamaru says words have power.”

“A good book has power. Can you even write a good essay.”

“I got a ‘B’ once.” Riko giggled at that and nudged Yoshiko. Yoshiko didn’t say anything, but felt a little lighter. Not any sort of happy, but lighter, which was an improvement.

“Do you want me not to invite anyone over again?”

“No. But, I get the bedroom. I get to stay in there until they leave. Unless it’s only Yo. And I get to have Hanamaru and Ruby over.” Yoshiko looked to Riko to see her assent or dissent.

“That’s alright. I’d love to meet them.” Riko’s kindness made Yoshiko grow stiff, and an undirected annoyance spilled weakly over her face.

“How are you and Yo so understanding?”

“We know that you’re hurting. We know you mean well. You’ve never hurt us.”

“I hurt Yo. And Yo’s your friend. Isn’t that like hurting you?”

“It is. But…” Riko struggled to bring her thoughts together. “You’re hurting too. You apologized. You feel bad. Maybe, you could’ve done better at every point. But it’s not entirely your fault. I didn’t listen to you. Yo didn’t knock. And you’ve been afraid of the world your entire life.

“I just wish you’d realize that, a lot of people are bad, but a lot of people are good too.”

“It depends on how people look at you,” said Yoshiko.

 

classroom:

Yoshiko had been whispering. No one else in the classroom needed to hear what was being said. It was her business, and the business of those she chose to share it with. Hanamaru and Ruby looked at her, utterly surprised, but they tried to be supportive. “I’m surprised she forgave you.”

“Me too,” said Yoshiko.

“I-I know you’d never hurt anyone,” said Ruby. “But…”

“It’s pretty scary that you can say that,” said Hanamaru, completing the thought. Ruby nodded on impulse, but felt like that was incriminating, so took a step back to not be noticed anymore.

“I know. I sorta meant it too, at the time.” Yoshiko leaned forwards onto her desk, and let out a long breath. Hanamaru and Ruby looked at each other, both asking if they really knew their friend, or if they only thought they did. They wouldn’t have expected that Yoshiko would do this, or would mean things like that.

“I’m so scared, and tired. And I don’t know.” Yoshiko looked up at Hanamaru, who put a reassuring hand on her shoulder. “What should I do?”

“What do you want to do?” asked Yoshiko.

“I want to have a normal life. I want to have a girlfriend. But if Yo says she wants to… should I?”

“I doubt that will happen.” Hanamaru wasn’t unkind when she said this. Yoshiko still felt stung by it.

“I know.”

“Most people don’t respond well to being shoved against a wall and told, ‘I’ll kill you.’”

“I know.” It was all stupid and hopeless. If she’d had half an ounce of sense in her, things could be a lot more salvageable. But Yoshiko was resigned to reality. She couldn’t have seen how anything could turn out differently.

Obviously doing things in a different way was possible. Rather, life and the events of life lead to actions. All of life’s events might have made what happened inevitable. In another life, maybe Yoshiko, the same Yoshiko as she was now, would have reacted differently. This life required a different Yoshiko, though.

“Maybe she will, but don’t get your hopes up. I’d find it hard to trust you…”

“Yeah.”

“I’d trust you,” said Ruby. “You’re always so nice. You don’t want to hurt anyone.” She moved forwards a bit, and gave a reassuring smile. “If she doesn’t forgive you, you can find someone else. I promise you you can.”

“Yeah, maybe. Thanks Rubes.”

 

dive:

Yo dived into the pool, and it looked very beautiful. Yoshiko felt tears at the corner of her eyes. After a sense, it was almost like torture. It was the person she couldn’t have. Could never have, because of her mistakes.

Yo surfaced to her coach, and gave a salute. In a second, her face was serious, dealing with the criticism she was being given. Yoshiko didn’t know what the criticism would be. Something about tempo or form, maybe. She never dived, never went swimming, because of… her secret.

Yoshiko buried her head in her hands, dragged them down her face, and watched the rest of practice. Everytime Yo got ready to dive, she paused, got into position, and tested the board with tiny jumps. Her hips shaked a bit when she did. It was cute.

She always did that salute when she came up from the water, too. Like she was reporting to her captain. Yoshiko supposed the coach served that purpose in reality. Oddly enough, it didn’t feel very affected. It felt like something Yo did very honestly. A part of herself.

Yoshiko asked Riko about it. Next to her, Riko thought to come up with an answer. “Her father’s a sailor. I guess she picked it up from him.”

“Have you ever met him?”

“He goes out to sea a lot. He seems to like Chika a lot because of it.”

“Chika?”

“She’s Yo’s friend since they were young. She’s prob’ly one of the few reasons Yo isn’t too lonely. It’s hard to feel lonely around Chika.” One of the seniors took a dive, but her heart wasn’t in it. She failed. The coach started screaming at her. “Yo says that’s been happening a lot since the announcement the school’s closing.”

“I’ve heard about that.”

“Not everyone’s ready for it. And no one knows what exactly that means for us.”

“It means we go to a different school.” Yoshiko hadn’t been through this much, but as she saw it, life goes forwards. You do the next thing that comes to you. You solve the problems that come to you. Other things aren’t usually as worth it.

“For a lot of students, this was where their parents went to school. They’re seniors and don’t know what to do for college. They’re second years like me, who’ll have to adapt in our last year of high school and then the next year for college.” Riko gave a somber look to Yoshiko.

“Oh.”

“I’ll have been in three schools. Last year I was in school in Tokyo. My mom almost sent me to school in Numazu until she decided to move in with your mom.”

“Oh.”

“And We’ll probably be going there now.”

“Yeah.” Yoshiko watched Yo on the diving board again. If the school closing down meant anything to her, she didn’t show it in her performance. Every dive was about as good as the last. Every dive very well done.

Everyone else wasn’t as good as Yo was, but several of them gave a visible effort. Not all of them were worn down. Nonetheless, there was a feeling in the air. This might be the last time they dived here. It didn’t feel like home, but Yoshiko remembered when she had to move from her old apartment to the one she and her mother now shared with Riko and her mother.

Everyone wants home, thought Yoshiko. Everyone wants to be held by their mother, like they were a child. Everyone wants that sort of comfort.

Practice ended, and Riko and Yoshiko waited in the hallway outside the pool. The divers funneled out one after the other, many of them saying something or other to Riko. She came by a lot, when she wasn’t using any of the music rooms.

Yo came out with a towel around her shoulders, and smiled and waved at Yoshiko and Riko. The smile was only one part of her expression though. There was something there that Yoshiko saw too. It looked sort of sad. “Hey, Yoshiko, can I talk to you for a second?”

“Oh. Okay.” Riko shrugged when Yoshiko looked at her for a hint. She waved them off and sat on a bench while Yo lead Yoshiko through the halls to a room without a door. Chairs and boxes were stacked on the wide tables that once were probably desks. “So…”

“I didn’t get to say much. I was in shock as much as you were.”

“No you weren’t,” said Yoshiko, definitively.

“I was in a lot of shock,” said Yo, correcting herself. “And I had to gather my thoughts. Um, I don’t… know if I still like you in the same way. Maybe I do. It’s too hard to tell. It’s not everyday someone bangs you against a door and yells at you.” Yo tried to make it sound like a fun little thing that happened. Even so, some things don’t get forgiven so easily.

“I understand.”

“I want to be your friend though. Because, you’re a good person. You’ve had a scare. I don’t think I’d want to go out with you. Ever. But, I like you, as a friend, at least. That hasn’t changed.” Yo put a hand on Yoshiko’s shoulder. “I promise.”

“How can you be so understanding?” Yoshiko felt the tears at the edge of her eyes. She sniffled. Her entire body was either on the verge of coldness or shaking. It wasn’t as much a physical coldness, though it felt physical. It was an existential coldness.

“Because I understand.” She put a hand on Yoshiko’s shoulder. “You’ve always been nice to me. You made a mistake. Maybe I can’t think of you the same way. But---” Yo turned her head to show the back of it to Yoshiko. “My head’s fine. So are my shoulders, where you grabbed me.” She took a step back, and gave an honest, but uneven smile. “I promise. I’m not that hurt.” Yoshiko’s tears had increased, she was crying more. She sniffled again. She felt like she was quaking, even though she wasn’t.

Only one thing occurred to her at this point: Run.

None of this felt right. None of it felt okay, so she had to run. Her legs, not used to physical activity, felt like they burned after only five minutes of running, but she kept running to the train station. The next train to her apartment complex wouldn’t be for a while. She’d forgotten her backpack at the school.

There were benches for her to sit on. She texted Riko, who said she’d grab Yoshiko’s book. Yoshiko took a few breaths and got a snack at a nearby cafe. A strawberry parfait to calm her nerves.

In the relative calm of the cafe, which was relatively loud, but none of it was directed towards her, Yoshiko noticed that her wings had begun to chafe. This hadn’t happened before, which was worrying. When her body was in a particular position, it even could hurt.

One of the scientists who worked on her had said that, her anatomy being very unique, they couldn’t make any predictions or ensure treatments would be able to fix anything that went wrong. They were reluctant even to amputate the wings, an idea that Yoshiko found tempting sometimes.

If they got ill, it could be a big thing. Physical therapies would not only have to be done, if needed--- they’d also have to be devised. It might be trial and error to discover if they work. The only bright side being that Yoshiko could miss school and avoid her problems for some time.

In the meantime…

Living was a fucking pain.

She couldn’t run forever.

Her phone rang, and she didn’t recognize the number. Debating whether or not to answer it, she decided that it was likely a wrong number, and she’d be better off having something to waste the time on. “Hey.”

“Hey. It’s Yo.” The connection was clear, which Yoshiko wasn’t so happy about. Nonetheless, she couldn’t bring herself to hang up. “You didn’t say goodbye.”

“I’m not strong. I’m not smart. My only weapon is running away.”

“What did you think I’d do?”

“I don’t know.”

“Yoshiko. Everything is fine.”

“That’s what scares me.” She racked her brain for an excuse. She found it instead through the cafe’s window, on the time board. “My train is coming soon. I’ll see you tomorrow at school.” Yoshiko bit her bottom lip. “Unless there’s anything… um, anything at all you wanna say?”

“You don’t have to run away. I’m not mad. I’m more sad than mad. I’ve been happy to talk to you. I’d be really happy if we could be friends. But you keep… everything’s fine Yoshiko. I’m not mad. See you tomorrow.” She hung up the phone and Yoshiko leaned back in the chair. She wasn’t lying, at least. The bus was coming in ten minutes.

The forgiveness almost felt worse than if Yo hated her. Or was a little irritated, at least. Yoshiko was facing consequences, Yo wasn’t interested in her anymore, but those consequences weren’t very much. A deep breath leaned her back into the chair, and her wings stung. Yoshiko swore and leaned forwards onto the table. Nothing goes right, she thought.

Yoshiko stood up to go wait on the platform. The train came soon enough, and Yoshiko got onto it. She twitched when her wings first touched the seat, but she shifted into a position that bothered her hip and spine, and her wings felt okay.

When she got home, she’d meet Riko. Riko would have gotten home before Yoshiko had. Riko would be stern, maybe even mad. She rarely got mad. She was more often stern. She didn’t yell. She told you what you did wrong, and let her disapproval make its mark in you. If you didn’t do you homework, if you didn’t clean up after yourself.

If you hurt her friend. Yoshiko was beginning to realize that you only get so many chances, and she was blowing a lot of hers. Her mother’s patience, Riko’s mother’s patience, Riko’s patience, maybe even Yo’s patience. Like a rock in a river. It might take a while, but one day the rock will be eroded until it’s gone.

Yoshiko shuddered.

She had to make some change. But there was too much to do, and she didn’t want to keep messing up. Running away. Hurting her friends. A winged angel bringing cursed tidings. Bringing emotions that hurt. Bringing pain.

The train stopped, and Yoshiko sulked her way to the apartment, up to her room. She laid in her bed, and was surprised by the lack of Riko. Her mother and Riko’s mother were in the kitchen, debating whether to cook or do something ready-made. Riko was the only, conspicuous absence.

YOSHIKO: where are you?

RIKO: I brought Yo out to get ice cream. I’ll be home before dinner.

YOSHIKO: okay. thanks for responding

It was prob’ly to cheer Yo up after this whole… deal. Yoshiko had it the hardest but… this was a lesson. You can know that dumb shit you do can hurt other people. Then you can know, really know, not only believe but also experience it. This wasn’t a very pleasant feeling. Yoshiko wasn’t liking it very much.

She changed into the clothes that let her wings stretch. They felt numb, and tingly. They also felt oddly loose, and less a part of her. Not like she would ever not be “the girl with the wings (which are a secret),” but they felt physically like they weren’t so connected to her body.

Flexing them, they were less responsive to her attempts to move. She couldn’t get them to be as flexible as they usually were. It was unsettling. It made her a little happy, but until she discovered what the hell was wrong with them, she couldn’t be sure the feeling wouldn’t spread. Would her legs go numb next? Her arms? Would it spread through her whole body?

A deep breath and she was in control. She had control over who she was, and what she could do. She moved her wings, and with effort she could get them to be as active as before. Almost. It was progress. It was prob’ly from lack of use, she only had to stretch them to make sure they got exercise.

“Oh my god!” said a voice. It sounded nasal and congested, meaning its owner was sick. The direction of the voice was the balcony. Yoshiko turned her head slowly to get a look at its source.

There she was, wrapped in a blanket that was now falling off of her as, dumbstruck, she let go of it. She was still in her pajamas and was sniffling; she'd prob'ly been home sick. Her balcony was only three or four feet from Yoshiko’s. Someone could make that leap. Yoshiko didn’t feel so safe, sleeping in that room anymore. Not now that this person knew her secret.

Yoshiko backed away from the window in fear. Her only choice was to run, but this girl got a headstart on her. She’d climbed on the balcony and disregarded the drop. A leap, and half of her body was over the railing of Yoshiko’s balcony, and half of it was on the other side, facing the drop. The girl rolled in.

Yoshiko had made a mad dash for the door, but she’d locked it, and the lock was a manual chain lock. It got jammed sometimes. It wasn’t a good lock by any means, but she had no reason to ask for her mother or Riko’s mother to replace it. It hadn’t mattered until now if she could get out. She’d always been a lot more worried about someone else getting in.

She felt a numb pinch on one of her wings. The chain, which had been clinking, was silent as Yoshiko no longer fiddled with it. “They are real, aren’t they?” asked the girl from the other balcony. Yoshiko turned around abruptly and grabbed the girl’s shoulders. She started pushing her back, not nearly as quickly as she’d pushed Yo back.

A deep breath to keep in control.

A deep breath to keep in control.

The girl hit the wall, enough to bump her head, but not enough to leave a bruise. Yoshiko swallowed a whole lot of bile. She sniffled and started to cry. “Don’t tell anyone.” She let her hands loose, but looked the girl straight in the eye. “Don’t you dare fucking tell anyone.” The girl nodded slowly. “No one can know. Too many people know.” Yoshiko let go of the girl, and staggered into her bed.

“I won’t tell anyone.”

“Okay.”

“I’m serious. I’m really good at keeping secrets. My best friend has… um, something. I can’t say.” The girl moved closer to Yoshiko.

“Please, go back to your own room please.”

“Um, I was surprised, so I jumped but, but I’m scared I’ll fall.” The girl scratched the back of her neck nervously. Yoshiko stared at her.

“You come into my room uninvited, and now you won’t leave?”

“I don’t wanna get hurt.” She’d said it simply enough that Yoshiko had to listen to what she was saying, even if she didn’t like it. Yoshiko unhooked the chain, which went quicker when she was clearer-headed.

“Please, knock next time.”

“On your window or…”

“The apartment’s front door!”

“Oh. Okay.”

“Try not to let there be a next time. And you have to explain this to my mother.”

“Okay.” The girl seemed to remember something. She held out a hand for Yoshiko. “Hi! I’m Takami Chika! You are?”

“I’m a handful, and I don’t need another one. Bye.” Yoshiko shut the door lightly, managing to hit Chika a little bit, but not too hard. She let out a long breath, and she was in control. She got back into bed and bundled under the covers.

“She better not tell anyone,” said Yoshiko. “The end of me is…” She stared over at the door to the balcony. The door to the balcony with a big glass window in the upper half of it. She crawled out of bed to close the curtains, which happened to cover up the entire door. Thankfully. She’d never have to see the girl again.

And this is the part, said Yoshiko, who’d read enough stories to know how this goes, where I run into her tomorrow, and she knows--- “Chika! What er you doing here!” It was faint, but she’d heard it distinctly coming from the living room. At least she knew, from that, that Riko was home.

The door to her bedroom opened, and Riko looked in. “So, uh, Chika lives across the balcony apparently?”

“Yep.”

“And, um, does she know?”

“Yep.”

“O… kay.” Yoshiko didn’t move, and neither did Riko. “Yo’s still not sure what’s going on between you two. You should send her a message. She’s not mad though. I think she should be.”

“Okay.”

“You have to face your problems.”

“Do your problems involve being called a freak?” Yoshiko tensed her wings and flapped them slightly, as an example. They felt as numb and tingly as before. Something was definitely wrong.

“That’s not your problem. Your problem is the fact you’re starting to be a jerk. It was… understandable at first. You’d had a big scare. But you aren’t trying to make things be better. You can’t live like this, Yocchan.”

“I can do whatever I want.”

“Go ahead and live like that.”

 

Yoshiko didn’t talk to Hanamaru and Ruby as much, and they didn’t make any efforts to talk to her. Yoshiko thought they didn’t like her anymore, which wouldn’t be unexpected considering what she’d done. Really they thought Yoshiko wanted space.

Yoshiko put her head in her hands under a tree at the school. It was a hot day today, there were a lot of them even in early October in Uchiura. Some places were known for their rain and cold. Uchiura had its sun and warmth. Being next to the ocean didn’t help, with the humidity compounding the heat.

Yoshiko groaned as the track club ran by, in the middle of a lunchtime meeting. They weren’t practicing; they’d pissed off their coach and collectively decided that running away would save their hides the most. Yoshiko recognized the feeling, though she didn’t know why they were running. She hadn’t gotten the memo.

She wasn’t at the meeting, after all.

A part of her liked the silence. No part of her liked the boredom. For all she could say that people weren’t worth it, the lack of people meant that she had nothing to do and no one to talk to.

When she was young, she’d pretend she was an angel, fallen from heaven and God’s good graces, and cursed to live on the world. It was a fun game, inspired by a documentary special on Christianity she’d watched. Lacking a childhood in the middle of sermons, eucharists, colloquial discussions and philosophies of God, the Devil, Demons and the like, she didn’t understand the meaning of anything.

But, from the distance of the Pacific Ocean, sections wide and thin, Christianity looked pretty dang cool. So, she immersed herself in a child’s conception of angels and demons, complete with celestial wars and revelation, and an urban fantasy author’s eye for syncretism of other mythologies as well.

Childhood was so much simpler, thought Yoshiko. It was a lot easier to lie to myself.

Actually reading the Bible proved to be a chore that Yoshiko only completed through pure stubbornness. In the end, it wasn’t all as exciting as she’d thought until she started reading about Gnosticism and the Kabbalah and the Book of Enoch. It was a side interest of hers now. At least her mother couldn’t tell her that she didn’t read.

“You’ve done a number on me, demiurge.” No one to hear her, she could relax at the words, think them over. Ultimately, she thought, the most sadistic god wouldn’t hurt you. He’d (or She’d or They’d, depending on your sect and personal conception) make the world like it was. You got hurt because you hurt yourself, and everyone hurt each other. Because everyone is scared or distrusting or frustrated or hateful or ignorant. Because there’s no one to teach you goodness, all of goodness, they only teach you parts, so there are some parts you might never learn, or learn only in your oldest age. Maybe you’d never find it out, the sadistic god making the world so chaotic that nothing was true or certain. What a world we live in, thought Yoshiko.

She wasn’t religious, but there was a usefulness in using terms like this to dissect the world. It made it seem closer to reality, if only rhetorically. The truth is an anxious thing that never shows itself. When it doesn’t, you have to explain why. And false gods and true gods and deception make it more interesting.

She wouldn’t have to think like this if she talked to Hanamaru and Ruby. They didn’t know what to think of her anymore, though. They understood better than anyone how people can hurt other people. Small fights, big embarrassments and all. Even so, Yoshiko pushed the boundaries of acceptable reactions. She could tell they thought so.

They’d softened up to her over the past week, as they saw the effect that all of this had on her. They treated her normally, most of the time now. But something held them back. Maybe they didn’t want to be too forgiving. It would be easy for them, Yoshiko hadn’t hurt them.

They did, though, soften up. Yoshiko needed them, they knew it, and people make mistakes, and Yoshiko had an inclination to be edgy or dark at inappropriate moments. It came from watching too much horror. When they’d interrogated Yoshiko and she’d said how she’d reacted to Chika, they realized that Yoshiko was learning too. That made forgiveness a more attractive prospect.

“Hey Yoshiko!”

Yoshiko knew the voice, and cringed internally. This’d be a trial. “Hello Chika.”

“Whatcha doing out here all alone?” Chika frowned. “Don’t you have friends?” Yoshiko didn’t answer, not knowing how to answer. She knew the answer. It didn’t seem right. “That’s sad. I’d wanna be friends with someone who’s so cool like you.” Her smile grew wider, in an attempt to bring more sunshine into the world. Yoshiko was more in the mood for the shade, though.

“I have friends. I’m outside because I want to be alone.”

“Oh. Oh. Am I bothering you?” She seemed to deflate a bit. Yoshiko thought it okay so long as she could be left alone.

“Not yet.” She meant it as a warning, but Chika took it as permission for her to stay for a second or two. She had a pep in her step, which she used to get next to Yoshiko and take a sit. Yoshiko glared, but Chika took it as simply acknowledgement that she was there.

“Okay.” Don’t poke the bear. The short, smiley, ginger-haired bear. You don’t want the bear to think it should approach you. “How long have you had your secret?”

“Don’t talk about it. I can’t let anyone know.”

“I’m not saying what they aaarrreee though,” said Chika, like a smart-ass. Yoshiko took in a breath, let one out. There was one time a kid, this was in kindergarten, had been called on to answer a question, and answered it wrong. Hanamaru had corrected that kid before she’d finished doing the math on the board. The kid glared at Hanamaru, then fought her at lunch. You can learn any lesson you want from watching something. People are cruel. Kids are cruel. Don’t interrupt someone. The lesson Yoshiko had learned though, was:

“People don’t like when you know something they don’t.”

“Oh.” Chika seemed to consider this. “But no one’s listening to us.”

“Go ahead then.” Go with the flow, then she’ll go away. Maybe. She’s oddly clueless for a high schooler. “Ask away.”

“How long?”

“Since I was born. The doctor asked if my mother fucked a bird.”

“Oh my god! That’s so rude!”

“They didn’t really. That was a joke.”

“It wasn’t very funny.” Chika crossed her arms and pouted, but looked at Yoshiko out of the corner of her eye. “Can you fly?”

“Definitely no. Wings are too small and weak.”

“What if you taped helium tanks to your body? You’d be a lot lighter, and your wings wouldn’t have to be so strong.” Yoshiko looked at her disbelievingly, but Chika wasn’t looking at her. She was pretty confident in her idea, Yoshiko could tell.

“That’s stupid, but it might work.”

“Then it’s not so stupid then, is it?”

“Next question.”

“Okay. What’s it---”

“Actually, my turn. You know what happened with me and Yo, right?” Chika’s eyes went wide, and she hesitated, but she nodded.

“She says she knows you were scared, but it’s… I’d be scared of you too. But you weren’t that rough with me, so I think you’ve learned.” She gave a wide smile. “I don’t think you’d ever hurt anyone.”

“You don’t know me then.” Yoshiko curled up a bit, leaning against the tree. Her wings twitched with the pain, but after a few hours in the classroom desks, she’d gotten used to it. Something was definitely wrong. “Next question.”

“Um… What’s it like? Are they sensitive?”

“They’re like having two extra arms. Nothing’s too sensitive, but it feels weird when someone else holds them. You can’t clip them, though. And you have to wash and brush them a lot.” One of the things her mother had to look for was a large shower. Yoshiko had to actually fit in it to use it. “And, I can’t take cold showers. They aren’t sensitie, but they don’t like high temperatures.”

“Oh. So you always take cold showers?”

“Lukewarm. I don’t like hot water because of it.” She checked her phone to get a look at the time. Twenty minutes left in lunch. She’d be stuck in this conversation for a while if she didn’t find a reason to leave.

“You don’t have to answer this one, but… who knows?”

“My mother, my two friends, Riko, Riko’s mother, Yo, you. The scientists.”

“Scientists?”

“They pay me and my mother to do tests every once in a while. They want to see how the wings grow and analyze my DNA. I might be the next step in human evolution, apparently.” That had been a joke on the scientist’s part, but Yoshiko always remembered it. It made her fears feel less permanent, and herself feel less alone.

“That sounds… creepy.”

“I’ve known it my whole life, and they’re all pretty nice. I also have my college paid for. Or my first apartment. It’s really helped me and my mother when she couldn’t work.”  
Chika nodded, thinking that over. It wouldn’t be okay to her, but Yoshiko didn’t mind it, so she could tolerate it. “What do they do?”

“Physicals, x-rays every once in a while, MRIs, blood testing, psychological evaluations.”

“Do they know why you have them?”

“Something something CGTCT something something interconnectedness something something. They don’t know exactly, but they have a clue. That’s their main research thing.” Yoshiko thought forwards to this Thursday. She’d be out of school, to be brought in to the scientists who’d test her wings to see what was going on. Hopefully it wouldn’t be too bad.

“It doesn’t sound very fun.”

“It’s not. It’s life.” Yoshiko jumped in shock when Chika gave her a hug. Her face felt warm, and she shook a little bit, and twitched a little bit.

“I’m so sorry.”

“...thanks.”

 

again:  
“I’m surprised you came back,” said Riko. Some of the swim team waved to Riko again as they left the school pool. Yoshiko had sat through practice. It hurt seeing Yo, and the whole forgiveness thing made her feel uneasy. But, altogether, it felt like an accomplishment to do it.

“I should face my problems,” said Yoshiko, not really believing it. Riko gave her an odd look, but let it pass. Something was remembered to her.

“Chika got through to you, didn’t she?”

“Did you put her up to it?”

“No. Chika talked to you by herself. She thought you were cool.” Riko eyed Yoshiko out of the corner of her eye. Chika might have had a crush on Yoshiko. She couldn’t tell. Hopefully it would come to nothing, keep it simple.

“She’s so annoying. I have to admit, though, it’s nice having someone who wants to make you happy.” Yoshiko softened up a bit.

“And thinks your cool.”

“Pain isn’t cool.” Yoshiko crossed her arms, pouting, her back against the wall. A senior handed a leaflet to Riko about something, but Riko was thinking.

“Did Chika help you?”

“No. She made me less bored, and made me realize I don’t like sitting alone. People try and talk to you when you sit alone.” Yoshiko’s expression softened somewhat, though also unnoticeably. “Really, I’m here because of what you said. I don’t want to live like that. It was too lonely without Ruby. AND… maybe Chika helped me realize that. I was already thinking about it though.”

“Sure you were,” said Riko, smugly. “Yo’s going to be awkward around you, you know.”

“I know. I understand. But, it gets worse before it gets better, doesn’t it?” Yoshiko was honestly asking. Riko had the high-ground here. She could say anything and break Yoshiko if she wanted. But she wanted the best for her pseudo-sister.

“No guarantees but… Chika put in a good word for you, and Yo’s not mad, I think.” Riko wondered if she was mad at Yoshiko. She was too focused on making sure Yo was okay, and then making sure Chika didn’t keep visiting everyday. She supposes she was mad at one point, which left a bitter taste in her throat. “But, awkward, yes.”

“I have a crush on her still.”

“I know.” Riko wondered if Yoshiko had any delusions about that being possible. Yo said she’d been clear.

“It hurts to let go. Especially with it being my mistake…” Yoshiko let out a large breath. “But life isn’t fun, is it?” Riko visibly relaxed and nodded. Yo should be out soon. She wasn’t the quickest, she stopped to chat with the first years. She always left Riko waiting.

“They say hearts never heal.”

“Who says that?”

“Oh, you know, people…” Riko tried to look inconspicuous, which of course made her look very conspicuous.

“Oh! Your secret.”

“Shut up!”

“Your secret books you keep in the drawer of your desk.”

“Shut it!”

“That I only found while looking for a pen.”

“Shut it!”

“Oh, did Yoshiko find your yuri doujinshi?”

“YO!” Riko’s face had a blush over it. She refused to look at Yo, while Yo laughed. Yo herself had a forced smile on her face. She’d noticed Yoshiko before and had time to prepare mentally.

“Hey,” said Yoshiko. “Riko said you guys were going to a cafe before she went home.” She scratched the back of her head. “She said I could join.”

“Sounds good. Glad to have you along.” Yo pinched the back of Riko’s neck, causing her to jump in shock. Riko was scandalized, but Yo seemed pretty happy with how it turned out. She motioned for Riko to follow, and lead the three themselves. Being in front meant they couldn’t see her expression. saying everything was okay was one thing. Everything actually being okay was different. Everything was too complicated for that.

“Yoshiko. How’ve you been?” she said, too level. It wasn’t a monotone, but it approached one. Yoshiko didn’t notice.

“I’ve been… tired.” They exited the school and started towards the bench, where they’d wait for the bus. It was a much longer run to get to the train that Yoshiko had.

“Feeling any better?”

“Yeah.” The walk didn’t have much other conversation, mostly small talk to pass the time. There was, though, a slow easing of everyone into a sort of harmony. The awkwardness remained, but faded. They’d been comfortable around each other before, which made it easier to return to that.

Yoshiko had to ask a question though, for peace of mind. “Why did you forgive me?” Yo’s eyes went wide, then a longing look went onto her face.

“We all make mistakes.”

“But… has anyone else hit you into a wall?” Riko tried not to interrupt the conversation, and was on the verge of not succeeding. Yo shrugged. She didn’t want to give an answer, but Yoshiko didn’t say anything, so she had to.

“No.”

“So why?”

“Because, I can. I don’t know why I forgive you. Maybe because you’ve only ever been kind to me--- besides that day. You’ve only tried to hurt me once, in fear.”

“But you don’t have to forgive me,” said Yoshiko.

“I can, though. And I do. You don’t have to talk to me. Why do you?”

“Because I want to.”

“There you go,” added Riko.

There was a silence like an angel chiming a bell. The silence resonated through the group, and they all felt better for all of that having been said. Tonight, they’d go home, and be bothered again. Words are not enough to quell emotions. But, those emotions wouldn’t be as sharp.

The chiming paused, but was remembered.

The bus came, and they got in, and took their seats. They’d get to Numazu in an hour or so. Riko and Yoshiko would take the train home for supper. In Numazu, they’d go to a cafe, have a nice talk. An angel chimed a bell in Yoshiko’s ear which lasted longer than the others, because it had more work to do. But Yoshiko very well heard it.

From one angel to another:

It’s all about how people look at you.

[to be continued]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know what to think of this one anymore. I'll finish it for sure, because I posted the first part, don't worry. Next chapter is basically finished, maybe needs a slight bit more.
> 
> I'm in a weird place lately. Literally because I'm at college in a convoluted city, figuratively because my emotions are out of whack and I had to go home for a few days, which likely caused the out-of-whack-ness. I also feel useless because I'm not doing everything I think I should. It feels sorta... dunno. Dunno. Dunno dunno dunno.
> 
> I never really made friends, friends just sorta happened. I don't understand how online friends happen. I don't understand how in-person friends happen. I don't understand anything, really. I think I type a lot in these little notes/commentary things because at least some people will read it, maybe.
> 
> Screwy side of being mentally screwy is, I don't know if it's my fault, if it's because I'm... something regarding my mind and I don't have enough control over it. I haven't been fully diagnosed yet. I know I have depression, but that doesn't feel like the whole story. I also don't take the pills because even if I do take them, even if my mind fools itself, the things that scare me still exist out there. They might never go away, either.
> 
> I think after this I'm gonna write something emotionally lighter. I have an idea for something, a little idea that might grow into something, but it might be too big. I don't have the energy to work on anything too big. Ironically, though, this might end up pretty big. There's too much I want to do, not enough space. So it goes.
> 
> This is a story I wrote because I keep thinking about fear. People who make meaning out of suffering amaze me. But so do people who manage to be happy and write happy things. I want to do better things than I do, but I can't. I'm too apathetic, too easily frustrated, too pessimistic. And everything I fear makes living disabling, even if I don't have to fear them that much, or I have to fear them less than other people. Even so, people are getting hurt right now.
> 
> The reason people write things like Love Live, the reason why they're important, I think, is because they're healing, after a sense. Sunshine made me feel pretty good for a bit, even if it isn't as deep as some other shows. I enjoyed it more than I enjoyed most things. Some of the fanfiction gives me a good feeling. And there might be a new anime (Perfect Dream Project is getting an album so... prob'ly), and there's things like Revue Starlight that give a similar feeling. I should also finish Sailor Moon. I have complaints regarding each show but, they each made me happy. Not fundamentally happy, just, sorta, less in the black, at least for while I watch them.
> 
> I say this, because I feel weird writing introspection into the commentary for a fanfic for a show that was made to sell CDs, figurines, DVDs, a mobile game. Made to make money, and do it using cuteness. Even so, I don't think that means I shouldn't be doing it. Other people do it too, do it better often too. There's no shame in it. These shows have value. I absolutely love Sunshine, because it was so valuable to me.
> 
> The things I want most, inasmuch I can tell, are to say the words I have to say, and hear the words I have to hear. Unfortunately, I'm not a protagonist in a Philip K. Dick novel or a school idol anime. I might never hear or say what I have to. I only have what I have. And that isn't too reassuring. Having nothing I really need to say, only these selfish things I want to say, I say: everything is stupid, so be happy if you can. Not everyone can, not even people like me who should be able to.
> 
> Thanks for reading, everyone. Next chapter should be out by next week, if you're following this story.

**Author's Note:**

> There's a story behind the making of this story, where I wanted to have the main character suffer from the effects of news on their psyche. Now, it's more about personal fear. Maybe being more afraid than you should be.
> 
> It was originally intended to be one-and-done, but I didn't want to publish it. I didn't know why. Then I realized that, for it to be meaningful, the story, and especially Yoshiko's Big Mistake to be meaningful, I had to continue it. I'm part of the way into the next chapter, and once I'm part-done with the chapter after that, I'll publish it. Or maybe I'll publish it as it finishes. I don't know. I might also have something else, if I get around to finishing it.
> 
> There should only be three chapters, but I'm leaving it open-ended. Maybe there will be only two, maybe 4 or more. *shrugs*
> 
> Also, I wonder if I made Yoshiko too rough on Yo. Yo wasn't hurt that badly, but... My goal, was to make Yoshiko forgivable as a friend, but unforgivable as a potential girlfriend, to set up the next part of the story. (No Chika isn't going to fix Yoshiko's problems, Yoshiko has to fix herself. Probably with help from others.) Feedback is welcome. I might revise that section.
> 
> Yhe Olga Andreevna Zhukov quotes are all fake. They're simply there to flesh out the story. 
> 
> Thanks for reading. I appreciate comments, kudos, and even just views. :)


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